- published in 2019 from my previous blog -
When I decided to share my miscarriage, I thought there would be a subsequent blog post about our experience every once in a while, but here I am writing my third blog post in a row on the topic.
I recently listened to a book on Audible called Unf*ck Yourself (by Gary John Bishop) and chapter 5 was ALL about accepting uncertainty. How people CRAVE prediction and we're always looking ahead for certainty. We want to know what to expect, where to go, what's going to happen when we get there.
When I listened to it the first time, I initially thought about the uncertainty of changing jobs (I'm not - FYI), but now that I'm in this phase of uncertainty. Will I be pregnant this month? Next month? Or the month after?!? I decided to listen again...
And I'm feeling compelled to share some of the take-aways:
Uncertainty is where things happen. It's where we experience new things and grow. If I want to keep my heart safe (and my sanity), I would decide not to risk another miscarriage. I would decide the stress of trying to get pregnant was too great...
But then what???
Instead, I'm leaning into the uncertainty and trying to fight through it. I have moments of wanting to know so badly if this is the month for us but then I also have moments of "what will be, will be." Both thoughts completely human.
I wish I had some sort of wisdom or divine advice for others going through this with me, but I don't. I've found myself peeing on pregnancy sticks before it was scientifically possible for it to be positive. I've read into every cramp and bout of fatigue. And this is just our first month trying so I haven't even touched on the hardships of disappointment...
At the risk of sounding condescending, I want to take a moment to acknowledge the women who have been enduring this 2-week cycle for any length of time. Keep the faith.
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